


Watered-Down Wine

by tormental (orphan_account)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Closeted Character, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, Everyone Is Gay, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Slow Build, Slow Burn, changbin has slight anger issues, minsung are attatched at the hip, protect felix at all costs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-01-16 02:24:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18511972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/tormental
Summary: When Changbin was younger, he remembers drinking watered-down wine on the roof with a boy he thought he would know only for that night and that night alone.





	1. me and you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which changbin meets a boy when he's fifteen at his parent's party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the prologue !! updates may be a lil slow after this but regardless i hope yall enjoy
> 
> i didn't proof read so if there's any errors don't point them out i'll notice them eventually

Changbin didn't understand why his parents threw so many parties.

Yes, his parents owned a corporation— Yes, they needed to find business partners and clients— but why did they have to throw another party every other week to achieve that? Maybe Changbin was too young to really understand, but what he did understand though, was that he was tired of having to meet a new set of twenty people every month. He figured he had at least met a thousand people in the last ten years of his life. He would never see those a thousand people ever again. So what was the point?

There was a set drill for every single party Changbin was forced to attend. Sometimes that would change if he got lucky enough to have his parents have the party elsewhere, but most of the time the party was held at his home. The only place he ever felt safe was invaded by strangers upon strangers at any given moment, so his so called "safe space" was nothing but a pile of dirt. Most would think he wouldn't be forced to attend every gathering, but his parents planned to pass down the company to Changbin someday so he was implored to stay out of his room and in the lounge, basically acting as a sitting duck for any adult who happened upon him. Then questions about him from the many party-goers would roll in. He answered them more times than he would ever be able to count or keep track of.

The questions were as follows: _What's your name? How old are you? How are your studies? Any hobbies? How do you feel about being in charge of this one day?_ ... and finally... _You have your eye on any girls?_

His name is Seo Changbin. He's fifteen. His studies are fine, top of the class like his parents wanted him to be. He didn't particularly have any hobbies, maybe music? Running a company seemed difficult. Though Changbin never knew how to answer the last question. He had never really liked any girls, and so he never directly answered the question. His parents had always pestered him about getting a girlfriend, since they figured he should've at least had one by now, given the fact that he's at the age he is. Truth was, he never really found girls appealing. He would much rather settle for a friend or something. Sure, he had people he talked to at school sometimes, but they never tended to turn into much. Changbin wished more adults brought their kids to these damn parties, so that way he could at least be a little less antisocial than he already was.

However, there were a few instances when some kids near his age showed up to these nightmarish get-togethers.

When Changbin was eight years old, he had met a girl the same age as him, maybe about a month younger at most. Her name was Minyoung, and she was, by far, the prettiest girl Changbin had ever seen. She had long, silky black hair, and sultry almond-shaped eyes that were the color of the night sky after it rained. Changbin wasn't sure of how that made sense when it came to describing someone's eye color, but it just made sense to him. Her features made her out to look like a porcelain doll, and she was as precious as her looks displayed her to be. Changbin remembered being forced to socialize with her, and the two got into a very intense discussion about dinosaurs before her parents pried her away from him. Changbin never saw her again.

Then Changbin was nine. He had met Jinbeom, who was the most tasteless and annoying ten year old boy Changbin woud ever get the pleasure of knowing. Just within a few simple hours, Jinbeom managed to break five vases and a window. Don't ask Changbin how he managed that, because he blocked that incident from his memories a long time ago. Changbin never saw him again.

Two years passed, making Changbin eleven. That year, he managed to meet two possible friends. Yongha and Chaeyoon. Yongha was a twelve year old boy and Chaeyoon was a nine year old girl. Changbin had met them both on separate occasions, but he remembered them both being lovely. They weren't annoying and actually managed to talk with him without being moved away or breaking something. He would've liked to keep in contact with them. Changbin never saw them again.

When Changbin turned thirteen however, he met someone he considered special. He met a boy named Taesung, and the two of them declared each other as their best friend from the first five minutes of knowing each other. Taesung was the exact same age as him and liked all the same things Changbin did. They spent the night running around on the balconies outside, playing hide and seek in the upstairs bedrooms, and gushing over their favorite songs in the pantry of the kitchen where they could be alone and uninterrupted. Though the longer the night went on, the weirder and more complicated his feelings got for Taesung. In the four hours they were together, Changbin only considered Taesung his best friend for two of them. He started to get butterflies every time he looked at the boy and his soft facial features. He would find himself acting cool to get more of his attention. He would imagine hugging Taesung before he left for the night. Then, and only then, did Changbin realize he had a crush.

Changbin never saw him again.

The reality and the loneliness of it all would hit Changbin like a truck. It felt as if he was floating around in a black sea, nothing to do and no emotions to feel.

Ever since the whole Taesung night, he felt weird internally. He knew he liked boys, but didn't know how to go about it. It wasn't like he was in denial or anything though, he just wished his only experience wasn't a four hour long game night with a boy whom he'll never lay eyes on again. Changbin weirdly craved the want for a kiss. Just one single kiss. Maybe someone to love him while they were at it, too. He knew his parents loved him. That was good enough in some areas of his life. He just wanted a boy to love him, though. Was it really too much to ask for?

These thoughts plagued him every single night.

Suddenly it was Friday, July 26th.

Another Friday night, another party.

Changbin stared into the mirror at his hair. Usually it was messy and unkempt, but his mother had always made him fix it for the parties. He would much rather look like a bum, but that wasn't acceptable in the eyes of the other party-goers. The few times he didn't necessarily dress up, he was looked at weirdly and his parents were obviously embarrassed.

He was clad in a suit, the one he always wears to these things. He's worn a suit so many times in his life that it might as well have been his second skin. It was almost as if whenever he had a suit on, his personality and mannerisms transformed. He became more proper and polite as opposed to his usual distaste for life. Though he was still only fifteen, so really, what did Changbin know?

His reflection in the mirror stared intensely back at him as he adjusted the jacket to his suit, licking his lips slowly. They were chapped, as they usually always were. It wasn't like he'd be kissing anyone anytime soon so it wouldn't matter. All his lips were good for was stuffing food into his mouth and drinking whatever non-alcoholic thing was handed to him. Sometimes he had imagined what it would be like to drink alcohol at these parties, maybe it would make it more enjoyable. But if his parents caught him drinking, he would probably be found later on, dead in a ditch. Changbin certainly didn't want to die, that was the item lowest on his bucket list.

Guests would start to arrive soon, that he knew. Every party started around six at night, and would bleed into early morning if he was unlucky. That actually happened more often than not, though Changbin was allowed to leave to his room around ten. By that time, the guests got bored of asking him questions and preoccupied themselves with drunkenly mingling among each other.

He glanced at the clock.

_5:39 PM._

He could already hear the voices of the guests downstairs. They were always so loud and every person he'd ever met here had an ego worth over a million dollars. He was used to people like that now though, so anyone remotely annoying didn't bother him in the slightest. He was conditioned to it. When he was younger he never understood how his parents could put up with this all time time, but turns out their emotions numbed overtime. Their smiles towards the guests were mostly fake, and Changbin rarely ever saw their genuine smiles himself. He was sculpted to be the same way, and he didn't have a problem with it. It wasn't like a brainwashing sort of scenario, he could think and act for himself. The only things his parents controlled him to do were the dumb parties and his grades. Anything and everything else was completely up to him to figure out.

After so long of standing in his room, he decided to leave and face whatever was waiting for him tonight. He always secretly hoped Taesung would appear again, but it had been nearly a year since the night he initially had met the boy. His crush dissolved months ago. Changbin came to the conclusion that if he ever saw Taesung again, it meant that Taesung was his soulmate. Soulmates didn't entirely exist in Changbin's mind, but everyone that attended these parties were to never be seen by Changbin's eyes again. He never thought to ask for their surnames or phone numbers. He never asked his parents because they knew so many people with the same names that it would be utterly impossible for them to draw a young boy out of their minds when they had known more people than Changbin would ever come to believe. His soulmate party rule went for any of the kids he's seen before, really. It was almost law in his mind. Whoever he saw again was the one for him. His true love, or whatever he needed it to be. Something so rare and special that it meant they just had to be together. Even if he didn't truly love the person. Sure his logic was extremely flawed, but he's definitely had a long time to really think all of it over.

Changbin let out a heavy sigh and carefully placed his hand on the doorknob leading out to a common area. A place where he wasn't safe.

Did he really feel like being social tonight?

No. He never did.

Another sigh escaped his lips as he turned the knob, the voices of the people outside becoming louder and more prominent than before.

His legs felt heavier than usual. Ultimately, he was tired of having to do the same thing three times a moth. Changbin would never be able to even begin to understand how much patience his parents had for these things. If it were up to him, the parties would be held once a month at the very most. Though with every party held, the richer he got. Money was never a concern to Changbin, though it was nice to have. But if he had to go through all this to get it just for himself? Never.

Changbin ever so slowly made his way through the upstairs portion of his home. The walls were white with a golden trim and preciscely placed pictures hung up on the walls. Some of them were family photos and others were random paintings of god knows what. Modern art these days was terrible.

As he stepped down each step of the staircase that was defiinitely way too long for anyone sane (or drunk, rather) to take, the more he just really didn't want to be where he was now. He was never sick during any of the parties, though he wished he was. He always just had to go, there was never any way out. But fate didn't ever play into his hands. That fact was all too obvious.

Once he reached the lounge, that's when it all really kicked in for Changbin. There was about thirty people laughing among themselves and socialzing, drinks in hand. They all had on suits or nice dresses. Changbin had seen too much formal wear in his lifetime, that was for sure. Everytime he would swearseeing another dress would make him puke, but that sadly never ended up happening. He was just mentally exaughsted.

Though the first people to greet him were his parents.

"Ah, honey, you look nice! As always, of course." His mother gushed, beckoning over to his father. His father simply grinned.

"Well, son, there's someone we'd like you to meet. His family is from Australia and they run a rather huge company there, so it's important you're nice to them. They even brought their son who's around your age. He's still learning Korean so try to keep that in mind. He's over there." His father slightly turned to point at a boy standing in the middle of the lounge, looking at one of the books sprawled out on the table. He had the softest facial features Changbin had ever seen, and his smile was all too bright for the current mood Changbin was in. "Go introduce yourself, Changbin."

A fire was lit underneath him. Another boy. A cute boy.

He wasted no time walking over.

The boy in front of him was softer the more up close he got. His hair was a pretty light brown and it was swept to the side to reveal his forehead. His eyes looked to be a honey brown when white light shined into them. A splash of freckles peppered his nose and the upwards parts of his face, thinly spreading out the further down his eyes scanned. The boy was taller than he was, but Changbin was extremely short for his age so that came to almost no surprise. The boy smiled, lips curling upwards into the cutest thing Changbin had quite frankly ever seen. He wore a simple white dress shirt loosely tucked into some black slacks, bracelets around his wrist and a single ring placed on his right hand. Nothing short of an angel.

Changbin grinned at the boy, knowing he was all too eager. "Hey. My parents are forcing me to talk to you, but I'm talking to you mostly because I want to. The name's Seo Changbin." He awkwardly pointed his thumb at himself, as if the boy had no idea who was speaking to him. Sure, Changbin knew the boy wasn't an idiot, but it had been so long since he'd done this. He was a bit rusty.

He also made sure to throw in his last name so he could make sure to learn the boy's last name in return.

The boy's eyebrows raised in surprise, his smile still forcefully tugging at his lips. "Hi. My name is Lee Felix." He stopped for a second as if to consider his words. "My parents also told me to talk to you. Not sure if I'm doing it because I want to though." He awkwardly laughed.

Felix. First, his voice was deeper than the pits of hell itself. His voice dripped honey with every word. Second, he totally just insulted Changbin.

Anxiety started to set in, but Changbin was determined. He was tired of being alone and this boy was the cutest he had ever seen in his entire life. Forget Minyoung's beauty, Felix was something on a whole other level. Also, Felix was a boy. Minyoung was a girl. So of course it was a whole other level. Hell, it was a whole new playing field. Now, Changbin just needed to not sound desperate.

Before Changbin could open his mouth to reply, Felix let out a small laugh. His laugh was almost as honey-filled as his voice. "I'm just kidding. I'm not smart-ass, I promise." He drew a cross with his finger over top his shirt, where his heart was. "Honestly, I'm just glad you came to me first. I would've been to shy to come up to you. You give off this really dark vibe and that you don't want to be bothered, so... and if you couldn't tell—"

"—You give off the complete opposite kind of feel." Changbin interrupted.

Did he regret interrupting Felix? Not entirely, because now Felix was staring at him. Changbin knew he wasn't so approachable, because even some of the adults who bothered him would softly apologize before they sauntered away. He must've had some sort of resting bitch face, or maybe his ascendant sign was in Scorpio. He couldn't tell and didn't care all that much, he was just glad Felix was responding to him normally and didn't totally insult him.

"Yeah. You took the words right out of my mouth." Felix said.

Changbin gave a slight grin and nodded quickly, all while looking intensely into Felix's eyes. He wasn't sure how he hadn't become flustered yet, or why Felix was staring at him back. "I just don't understand how I could look intimidating." He said, although he perfectly understood how. He just wanted to hear it from Felix.

"Well, you have to let me think about my answer." Felix replied, finally breaking the mutual gaze. He made a face, one that weirdly showcased how much thought he was going to put into is answer, although he turned his head slightly. After a second, Felix's head turned and his eyes met Changbin's once again. "You have this weird aura surrounding you. Like, it's not bad or anything. Just can catch people off guard, you know? You seem kinda scary, and I can definitely see muscle bulging through your shirt, dude. You're that person everyone is probably scared of at least once in their life... when they're like five. Don't get me wrong though, I like it. I like meeting someone that isn't like me in the slightest. More so because I get tired of myself easily. But anyway, you're just weirdly intimidating. The quiet but cool type. That's it."

There was definitely a lot to dissect there. First, Felix said Changbin was overly intimidating. Which was true, he guessed. Though that aura quickly faded once you got to know him, he was sure of it. Second, Felix pointed out his muscles. No one had ever pointed that out before.

"So," Felix said quickly before Changbin could get any sort of word in. "What vibe do you get from me?"

_Not a straight one, that's for sure._

"Uh, I'm bad at answering those types of questions." That was a lie. He for sure knew the vibe that came from Felix, Changbin just wasn't really willing to out himself at the moment. "But anyway, I swear I'm really not as intimidating as I may seem. I just am so sick of these parties and being alone that my personality shifts every single time I put on this damn suit. If I didn't have to do this so often, I would be so much more happy and willing to do it." He grumbled, awkwardly pointing at his suit.

Felix nodded. "I see. So take your blazer off."

Changbin looked at him quizzically. "Take my blazer off?"

"It's not a suit anymore if you take your blazer off. Plus, I can see your figure and all those muscles a little better if you do." Felix winked.

Damn. Felix was really going for it, wasn't he? Changbin had figured he was a little more shy than that. "You're brave, aren't you?"

Felix shrugged. "Not usually. Just when in Rome, do as the Romans do, right?" 

What the hell did that mean?

"Uh, sure?"

"Okay. Listen, then. Imagine you're in a foreign country at a party filled with a bunch of rich people. Imagine you meet someone your age who is sorta cute and you have no idea if you'll ever see this person again. What would you do? Take advantage of it, right? Be a little more bold, since there's not much to regret after it's all over. I'm really not normally like this, no, but you develop your character the best when you get out of your comfort zone. Isn't that like, the golden rule?" Felix asked, staring at Changbin hopefully.

Changbin didn't want to admit this outwardly to Felix, but Felix did have a point. He had never taken advantage of any of these situations in the past, but maybe that was because he had nothing to push him to do so. Maybe Felix was that thing for him. Changbin didn't even know the boy for all but five minutes, but he had that impact on him. Plus, Felix had just called him cute. Indirectly of course, but it still counted. He totally couldn't just ask of Felix was gay, but he could assume. Assuming was never the way to go for anything, but if he wasn't gay, it would be real embarrassing in the moment. Maybe Felix just wanted to experiment for the night. That seemed more probable than him actually being a full-fledged homosexual. Probably.

So many thoughts swam around Changbin's head, that he was sure he looked out of it for a second. "Yeah." Was all he managed to get out.

"So, do this with me. Be bold with me, because if I did it alone, do you know how boring that would get?" Felix smiled through the question, and Changbin felt his heart melt a little.

Changbin's eyebrows raised at Felix's proposition. "But don't I barely know you?"

Felix shrugged, still keeping a smile. "Yeah, I barely know you too. We can get to know each other through this. Plus, I'm leaving back to Australia soon. I'm not saying you'll definitely never see me again but I am saying that if I do something embarrassing, it's not likely you'll remember it. It's not even that likely that you'll remember me in a few months, either."

Changbin felt it was going to be hard to forget Felix.

"Would you want me to forget you after you leave?" Changbin questioned, stepping in a little closer to Felix. "What if you end up haunting my dreams or something?"

Felix let out a small laugh, matching Changbin and also moving in a little closer. He moved in so close that Changbin couldn't help but stare at the lips of the younger. Before he could get too fixated though, Felix stepped around to where his mouth was right next to Changbin's ear. "After tonight, you can be the judge of whether you want to forget me or not. Same goes for me." He paused for a quick second and stated his next words very slowly. "I'm not one to forget very easily." He whispered, his voice laced with a sultry tone.

Changbin gulped. He felt his stomach twist into a tight knot. There was no way in hell he could forget tonight. After all, if he remembered every other encounter at these parties, he was sure to remember this one from even beyond the grave. These sorts of things kept him up a night. It was his own personal little demon. He would wake up in cold sweats after dreaming of the different people he's met here. His reminder from whatever god controlled his life that he would always be alone. At least for now.

Felix certainly did intrigue him.

"You're going to be the hardest to forget, without a doubt." Changbin whispered back.

"You make it sound like we definitely are never going to meet again after this, Changbin."

"Well, Felix, the probability of me seeing you again is negative a million so I'm not going to torture myself with thinking about you all the time."

Felix sighed softly. "So you're going to think about me?" His whisper was different from the previous. It sent utter chills down Changbin's spine, electrifying him.

"Stop." Changbin croaked out. "I'm not having this conversation with you here. Not in front of all these people."

The other party-goers started to pick up on Changbin and Felix. He could feel them staring.

Felix hummed in his ear before stepping back. "Aren't we going to be bold together though?" He let himself pout slightly, and Changbin felt personally victimized just looking at the boy in front of him. "You said you would."

"I never did though." Changbin laughed slightly.

"Well too bad because I'm making you. You're going to have the best party of your life, Seo Changbin. I'm not letting you hate this one." Felix smiled from ear to ear. It was like staring into the sun.

"Of course. I actually have something in mind." Changbin returned the younger's smile.

Wine.

Changbin still had the urge to drink alcohol at one of these things, and Felix seemed like the perfect person to do it with. That would be considered bold, right? Plus, it was sure to give both of them a wild adrenaline rush. Although Changbin wasn't exactly sure how Felix felt about alcohol, he may have some weird thing against it and be mad at Changbin for suggesting it. Though Felix was the one out of the two boys who was being more brave that night, so Changbin figured it was worth a shot to suggest. Even if Felix turned him down, he was sure Felix has something else in mind that the two boys could get up to. Though he wasn't sure exactly what that would be, and didn't want to bother thinking about it or even beginning to guess.

"I've always wanted to get drunk. Something to distract me from how boring these parties are." Changbin said, voice slightly wavering. He was hesitant to hear Felix's reply for fear of it being negative.

Felix stood for a second, but then somehow his smile got even larger. "Fucking bet. Let's do it. Though isn't all they serve wine? How are we going to get it?"

A wave of relief washed over Changbin. "Dude, it's my house. I have access to every inch of this place." He was happy to know Felix was down for his crazy idea, when most people probably wouldn't be.

Felix nodded, his lips forming to make a little 'o'. "Though if my parents caught me..."

"We'll water it down. So all we get is buzzed. I have an extra toothbrush you can brush your teeth with after. My parents would kill me too if they found out so we're in the same boat here." Changbin said frantically. "Trust me, I'm nervous about it but my parents usually tend to get pretty distracted during these parties. I don't think they'll care that I'm gone if you're gone too. After all, they told me to make friends with you. So really, I'm just doing what they wanted me to. Nothing more, nothing less. Just making it a little more exciting than it could be."

Changbin grasped Felix's hand quickly, pulling the boy out of the room with him. They awkwardly jogged hand in hand to the kitchen. Felix's hands were soft, much like a cloud when compared to how rough Changbin's hands were. He worked out so much that he feared his hands could never be soft again.

Though Changbin expected Felix to drop his hand when they arrived at the kitchen... but he didn't. He squeezed Changbin's hand ever so slightly, sending more currents blazing throughout Changbin's body. He didn't understand why Felix did this to him. It was something not even Taesung could manage.

"It's on the back shelf in the pantry, hidden behind some old bread. I found it once when attempting to make a grilled cheese by myself when I was eleven. The bread I used was moldy and let's just say that ordeal ended horribly." Changbin said, pulling Felix into the pantry. The lights were off but Changbin couldn't feel bothered to find the light switch. 

He felt around slowly while Felix laughed and mocked his eleven year old self for having moldy bread, while also questioning why the Seo family owned old bread in the first place. 

Changbin found the wine quickly, and handed it off to Felix, who dropped Changbin's hand to get a better grasp of the wine bottle. Changbin felt a little sad to have that warmth leave him, but he was sure a new warmth would come once the sweet wine ran throughout his body. 

The glasses were in a cabinet near the pantry, and so was a random package of water bottles. Changbin grabbed two of each items and turned back to Felix within a few seconds, witnessing Felix fiddling with the cap of the wine bottle.

"Do you need me to open that, dude?"

Felix scoffed. "No, Changbin, I don't. Just because you have stupid muscles doesn't mean you need to help me with everything. I'm not your wife."

Changbin rolled his eyes. "If I open it, you get to see my stupid muscles in action."

It went quiet for a few moments and Felix stopped trying to pry the bottle open. "You're right. I would be doing a disservice to myself if I let that opportunity pass me by. Also, I think if I keep trying to open it my hand would start bleeding. That would also be a disservice because I don't think you would hold my hand if it were covered in blood."

"Felix, I think I would still hold your hand regardless."

"That's gross."

"Well you're the extra gay one tonight so I'm honestly shocked." Changbin fired back.

Felix grinned. "I'm not the only gay one here though so jokes on you. Now shut up and tell me where we're going to drink or I'll pummel you." 

Changbin scoffed loudly at Felix. "Yeah, like you could take me on. There's no way in hell. Plus, aren't I older than you? Seniority, right? So be a good boy and shut the fuck up." Changbin moved all of the items he carried to one side and used his now free hand to grab Felix's arm that was cradling the wine bottle. His skin was so soft Chabgin felt his hands were tainting it.

Felix hummed softly. "I can't believe you just called me a good boy..." His voice trailed off although it was light to begin with. "Kinky, eh?" 

Changbin felt his face light up like a match, his back suddenly starting to burn from sheer embarrassment. "I told you to shut the fuck up. We're going to the roof and if you say something about it again then I'll toss you off."

"Yessir." Felix said firmly, yet extremely teasingly.

Changbin navigated him up the back stairwell away from where all of the other adults were. No one usually wandered back here but if they did, especially now, the two boys would be utterly screwed. Changbin carefully led him up the long stairwell and through the hallways of the empty upstairs area, and suddenly they came to a set of french double doors made of glass, leading to the outside. Outside, there was a latter around the corner of the building and the two of them would have to work together carefully if they wanted to pull this off. Changbin had to let go of Felix's hand to open the door, and Felix waltzed through, still clutching onto the bottle of wine. Changbin followed him through and finally they made it to the latter.

Getting up the latter was a whole different issue. Changbin took the bottle from Felix and allowed him to climb first. After he was up, Changbin handed him the glasses, bottled watter, and finally, the bottle of wine. After they were all safely up with Felix, Changbin followed suit.

"I hope you know this is going to taste like utter shit." Changbin commented, glancing over at Felix who had himself sat criss-crossed in front of Changbin. "It's watered-down room temperature wine."

Felix shrugged. "Hey, still alcohol, right? Plus, how are you to know what it tastes like? You've never tasted alcohol, right? Or at least that's what you made it sound like."

Changbin sighed. This boy was going to be the death of him. From his attractive appearance to his honey voice, and even his backhanded comments that Changbin couldn't help but feel his heart flutter at. He couldn't deny it. He really liked Felix. Although he didn't know Felix for long, it was one of those cliche moments in a rom-com movie or something. Love at first sight or whatever.

"I thought I told you to shut up or I would throw you off this roof." Changbin said teasingly, setting up the glasses. The two he had accidentally grabbed were the glasses his parents drank out of at their wedding. They never touched them or even looked at them, so Changbin knew they wouldn't realize the glasses were gone. He just found it strange that out of all the glasses he could have chosen, he chose these two. Though he wouldn't let Felix know. It would probably weird the boy out. Or maybe he would laugh. Changbin couldn't understand how Felix's brain worked exactly, so figuring how he could possibly respond freaked him out. So Changbin just awkwardly cleared his throat. "Oh, yeah, and pay attention because I'm about to open the wine. Anyway, feel free to stare at my stupid muscles all you want, doesn't bother me."

Changbin popped the bottle and the whole time he was doing that, he could feel Felix's eyes boring holes into his upper arm. Thank god for Changbin making the decision to work out.

He poured wine in each glass, and then diluted it with half as much water. He handed Felix his glass after doing so. "Here's to being bold, I guess." 

Felix grinned. "Yes, here's to being bold."

They threw the wine back, not even paying attention to how shocking the taste was.

Changbin was more focused on the night sky. It was a brilliant blue, fading into black in the different corners. Stars were sprinkled throughout the sky, and that reminded him on the freckles Felix's face. The air around them was cool, but a warm breeze blew through, moving Changbin's hair into his eyes. He let out a sigh. This was perfect. He was alone on a roof with quite possibly his new favorite person and some alcohol, staring at the stars in the sky. It definitely didn't get more cliche than this.

"I could get used to this." Felix said softly, suddenly scooting into Changbin. His body pressed up against the other boy's was dangerous, but it felt too good for Changbin to want to push him away.

Changbin hummed and set his chin on Felix's head, wrapping his arms around the younger boy. "I could too."

Felix grinned. "You're cute, you know that? You're weirdly cute. So are your stupid muscles. They're not my favorite part of you but they're up there." He teased.

Changbin smiled and let out a small breathy laugh. "Yeah, well, I love your freckles. They're really cute and I could honestly spend all night counting them."

"That's gay."

"You're one to talk."

Changbin could feel his heart beating dangerously fast within his chest. He hadn't gotten this feeling since Taesung... A feeling Changbin never imagined he would be allowed to feel again. The feeling of having someone you care about close like this. Changbin almost felt like he could feel Felix's heart, too. After all, Felix had adjusted Changbin's hands to where one was wrapped firmly around the younger's chest.

Felix sighed softly, as if he were giving into the temptation. "I want more wine but I don't want to move from here. I like being in your arms like this."

"I can get it." Changbin said softly back, shifting to where he could grab everything. It took him a minute to get out of the tangled mess he was in, but soon he handed Felix another diluted glass of wine. "There. I don't want to drink too much, actually, because I don't want to forget this."

A snort was all Changbin heard from Felix before Felix took a sip from his glass. "I don't think we could get drunk off this enough to forget anything. All we're doing is getting buzzed. There's no way in hell you're that much of a priss." He paused to take another sip. "So that's your answer though?"

"What's my answer?"

"You don't want to forget me." Felix whispered.

Changbin sighed and tried to get back into his original position with Felix, but Felix moved away from him. "You told me you didn't want to talk about it with me in front of people. So here we are. Alone, Changbin. We're alone."

"Listen," Changbin began. He felt his own heart now beating faster. Feelings. He was feeling something deeply. "I don't understand you, Felix. Whatsoever. I don't understand why I met you tonight, and I don't know how I feel so drawn to you after only spending a few hours with you. I don't even know you. But somehow I feel like I should know you, and at the very least, I want to know you. As much as you'll let me, of course.." Changbin said softly, his hand grasping Felix's.

The sudden move caused Felix to jump slightly, but he soon squeezed Changbin's hand in return. "Yeah well, here's my answer. I'm not looking to forget you. I just don't know if I'll ever see you again once this is all said and done."

Felix sighed heavily, looking at the ground, obviously now averting Changbin's gaze. He could tell the boy seemed nervous with this topic of conversation, but why?

"You can get my phone number." Changbin offered but Felix shook his head.

"I really don't want to think about that part of it right now. We can figure it out later. I don't want to think about organizing future meetups. I don't even want to start thinking about leaving you here alone tonight. I seriously don't get why I fell so fast for you anyway, I swear to god I've never been like this in my life." Felix paused to now stare Changbin square in the face. "I just want your lips on mine." Felix whispered, leaning in.

Their lips met faster than Changbin could register the situation. Despite his utter shock, he kissed back, and he kissed back hard. Felix angled his head so that Changbin could deepen the kiss, that causing Felix to moan ever so slightly. Felix's hands then roamed to find that of Changbin's chest, splaying out across it.

Changbin felt Felix's mouth open slightly, allowing for his tongue to press an entrance. This begged an even louder moan from the younger who now had his hands fisted in Changbin's shirt.

They stayed like that for what seemed like minutes, Felix shifting so that he was slightly on top of Changbin, getting more aggressive by the second.

Felix moaned again and that was the most alive Changbin had felt in all his years of life. He was kissing a boy, something he had been itching to do since he started to realize his interest in the gender. It was like fireworks. Feeling Felix's weight press into him, he licked the inside of Felix's mouth which drove both of them absolutely wild with pleasure. Mixed breath and roaming hands made for more an exciting moment than Changbin could've ever imagined.

Soon after Felix had completely enveloped him, they broke apart. Felix dove his head right into Changbin's chest, cuddling the older boy as much as he possibly could. He acted like it was his last dying moment, or maybe even like he would lose his memory after the night ended. But Changbin didn't mind. He squeezed Felix as tightly as the younger could take.

"I didn't take you as the clingy type," Changbin muttered, kissing the top of Felix's head.

"I just really like being by you." Felix replied faintly. His face looked red, even in the darkness of the night.

Changbin never wanted to let Felix go.

They spent the next three hours like that, sharing a few more kisses and drinking a few more glasses of watered-down wine.

Eventually though Felix had to leave, but not before kissing Changbin intensely as they stood under the stars on that roof for the last time. Changbin didn't want it to end. He wrapped his hands around Felix and pulled him so close that there weren't a place on their bodies that wasn't touching.

This was love. He was sure of it. He had never been so sure of anything like this before. Though it was extremely unfair because the one thing Changbin had finally found would be stripped from him like it never existed in the first place. The thought of Felix not being in his arms anymore felt like utter hell, and Changbin swore Felix almost started crying as the older squeezed even tighter. Felix buried his head as deep into the crook of Changbin's neck as it could go, despite Changbin still being shorter.

After they both summoned enough courage to finally let go, they made their way back the lounge where it all started, and it took everything within Changbin not to kiss the boy again or hold his hand one last time.

"I'll be seeing you. I promise." Was the last thing Felix said to Changbin before his parents ushered him out of the Seo residence.

_I love you,_ His mind screamed. Bloody murder. It was shrill, but it would go unheard. 

He wanted to say it, but he couldn't. It was already too late.

Changbin cried himself to sleep that night and for the next few months, as he knew he really wouldn't ever see Felix again. He didn't get his number or any form of contact. All he had was the memory of how the wine and Felix's lips washed over him. 

That feeling would never leave him, but he knew he had to get over it. It was like a deep wound. It would scar.

Though years passed, the love Changbin felt never ended up fading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was probably the MESSIEST shit i have ever written and every chap after this will be like half as long but i worked really hard !! pls leave kudos n comments bc they really mean a lot :((
> 
> okay yeah that's it


	2. them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which changbin starts his second year of college and gets the surprise of his life from the other side of a fence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is kinda boring and messy and it just sets up the college atmosphere yknow,, literally the worst written chapter in the entire fic i'm so sorry
> 
> as usual i didn't proof read so don't bother me ab it pls i know i can't spell or use correct grammar 89% of the time
> 
> but either wAy pls enjoy

Changbin didn't necessarily enjoy college. He was just thankful his parents allowed him to worm his way out of running the company, as it would now be passed down to his cousin. It was really the biggest blessing he could've asked for. He was twenty and living his best life in his second year of college, struggling to get by because he refused financial help from his parents. Though he enjoyed it because it made him feel like a normal person for once. When you grow up with almost everything handed to you and you were still somehow as levelheaded as Changbin was, it was a breath of fresh air. He had made so many friends and started so many relationships that ended up falling out, but it was really the experience Changbin always longed for.

He majored in music composition, something he got into once he turned sixteen. He wasn't the best at it but would always remember the first song he ever wrote. The song was about Felix. Felix hadn't left his mind for months after he originally left the party that night five years ago. Changbin only really started to get over him when he was able to get his feelings out, and that just happened to be through song. Ever since then he hadn't really though much of the boy and moved on. Plus, Changbin only ever knew him for a night so there was no way he actually loved him like he thought he did in the moment. All Felix was, was his first kiss.

He's had so many more since then.

His first year of college, he dated his roommate. His roommate's name was Nate, and he was from some European country, Changbin just couldn't remember which. He was fully Korean, and spoke it fluently due to his parents teaching him it at a young age. So communication was never an issue despite the boy being from the opposite side of the world. They had met before college even started when Changbin went to the concert of some American rapper whose tour stopped in Korea. Nate had been there as a translater for a group of his friends and when Changbin found out they were going to attend the same college, they decided to be roommates since they didn't have anyone else.

They had been roommates for about three weeks before Nate kissed Changbin for the first time. They then dated until the end of that semester. Though they broke up right after break because their communication went off the rails and Changbin couldn't find himself to be interested anymore.

That was his only relationship in college thus far, though he's hooked up with a few more people after being dragged to parties he didn't want to go to by his friends.

Even before that though, he dated a boy near the end of high school. That was his first relationship. They dated for a year despite Changbin hiding the entire thing from his parents. The boy's name was Jinseok, and he even helped Changbin keep up the facade that he was dating a girl so that his parents wouldn't harp on him anymore.

Jinseok was his first everything, except for first kiss. They ended up breaking up when high school ended, because Jinseok was going overseas to study and Changbin didn't want to hold Jinseok back from meeting new people and living his life they way he was meant to.

Truth be told, he never wanted to let Jinseok go. When they met one afternoon, a week before the end of summer break prior to college and Jinseok leaving, Changbin cried more than he had ever in his entire life. Jinseok hugged him, also crying, and thanked Changbin for everything. Changbin did still have his number though, and they texted periodically just to check up on each other. He knew Jinseok now had a boyfriend where he currently lived and Changbin couldn't be any happier for him. Jinseok taught him so many great things about life and that was something to never be forgotten.

Changbin was in love with Jinseok for the longest time.

He was just glad he was somewhat over him by the time college started up, and that's where Nate came in. Really, Nate was more of a distraction for Changbin than anything. They weren't in love. It was more of a touchy and a little bit of feelings every so often type of relationship.

His second year had been empty affection wise though. All he had were his two loud roommates, named Chan and Jisung.

Chan and Jisung had quickly become close with Jisung once they all started rooming together. They all met when Changbin and Jisung were in their first year, and Chan was already in his second. They were friends and even made music together, but they definitely became more like family after living under the same roof for a few months. They knew each others dynamics, secrets, interests, and even the dark past they kept hidden from other people. They knew about his rich parents and the corporations they owned. They knew about all the parties. They knew about Felix. Briefly, anyway. They knew his name and that Changbin made out with him on the roof of his family home after drinking watered-down wine they had stolen from the pantry during one of the parties. They didn't know Changbin felt he was in love with the boy. Though knowing what they knew was enough, since no one else knew about Felix except for Jinseok. And hell, Jinseok only ever knew the boy's name.

It was fine that way. Changbin was happy he was able to get most of it out.

This was how it was for all of them— they were happy with being able to talk to each other. The two boys even got their emotions out through music just like Changbin did, so most stories of past broken hearts or whatever else, were put into song. They rarely had to time to really put something together, but they all did things in their own free time and made it a point to meet at the studio on campus every other week to show off what they had developed.

Changbin had night classes while the other two boys had a majority of theirs during the day. Changbin slept from three o'clock in the morning to eleven o'clock in the morning while the other two usually ran from midnight to eight o'clock in the morning, leaving for class by ten. They, by far, had a much better sleeping schedule than Changbin. Changbin had it so bad that he had near perfect dark circles underneath his eyes. He was glad at least concealer existed.

Chan was from Australia, just like Felix had been. Changbin had asked Chan if he ever knew a Felix, but Chan said that unfortunately, he didn't. This didn't shock Changbin in the slightest, but he'll admit, he got a little too hopeful. Both boys had a thick Australian accent when they spoke English, and some of it even bled into their Korean. Changbin noticed that a lot with Chan, though Chan had pretty much been fluent since birth. He was an average height, yet still taller than Changbin. He had a pale complexion and stark white hair, the product of tons and tons of bleach. Changbin felt he could still smell it late at night when he couldn't sleep. It was obvious Chan he went to the gym though, in fact, he and Changbin went together in their free time.

Jisung never wanted to go to the gym when Chan and Changbin offered, he would much rather sit in the dorm and write lyrics. He was a little tanner than Chan and Changbin, and obviously still taller than Changbin since it seemed everybody and their mother was taller than him. He had dusty brown hair, and that was something that hadn't changed since Changbin met him over a year ago. He guessed Jisung just liked the way it looked.

When it came to the love department, the two were much luckier than Changbin. Chan was in a serious relationship with someone named Woojin, whom Changbin had only ever met briefly. They had dated since Chan started college, and Chan would always opt to go over to Woojin's rather than invite Woojin over. Meanwhile, Jisung had a friends-with-benefits thing going on with a mutual friend of theirs, Minho. Though they pretty much acted like they were dating, so everyone regarded them as such. Their relationship wasn't even an open one, so they might as well have been boyfriends.

Changbin couldn't measure the amount of times he had walked into the dorm just to see Jisung and Minho making out, or even worse. They were always around each other, never keeping their hands off of each other. Sadly, everyone they were ever around were used to it. It wasn't a normal day unless they were witness to Jisung and Minho holding hands.

He had a few other friends, but none that were really note-worthy besides Chan, Jisung, and maybe even Minho. His grades were fine, much worse than his in high school. He rarely saw his parents. But he was content.

Changbin let out a sigh, his thoughts becoming too much for him to handle. He sat squarely in his desk chair, swiveling slowly as Chan sat behind him, strumming the guitar he barely knew how to play.

As Changbin heaved his nth heavy sigh, the strumming behind him stopped. "You good?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Changbin replied, turning in his chair to face Chan. He looked overly concerned. "Just stressed over this upcoming evaluation. I don't know if I've even improved on my composition since last time, and my grade in that class isn't high enough to stay afloat even if I flunk the evaluation on purpose."

Chan shrugged. "I remember the same evaluation last year, and since it's not long since your previous one, he'll go easy on you."

"You have no right to say that, dude. You're like, his star student. You're a composition god." Changbin scowled, turning back around in his chair, facing his desk piled with sheets over paper and his laptop on the brink of death. He didn't know where his charger was.

"No, I'll help you, if you want, Changbin. Jisung can help too on the lyrics part."

"I won't have your help for the final thing though, so what's the point? Pointers are enough, thank you." He sighed heavily again, frustration rushing through his vains. He angrily shut his laptop without even saving his progress.

Chan rolled his eyes and set his guitar down, standing up afterwards. He forcefully turned Changbin's chair around, looking the younger in the eye. "We're going to the gym tonight, you've got some anger to work through. It'll be good for you and I can help you in the morning before my class starts. I have a late class so it shouldn't be a problem."

He was right, though of course Changbin didn't want to admit that fact. Chan was, more often than not, always right. He had a tighter grasp on reality compared to Changbin. Maybe Changbin had ignored and rejected the lifestyle he grew up with, but it still certainly stuck to him and would never begin to compare to that of Chan's life, or anyone else's for that matter.

This class had a crappy professor and anything Changbin had learned was credited to either Chan or Jisung. He didn't understand how he was even passing. Every assignment given made no sense and most of it was open to interpretation, but when it came to actually being graded, suddenly it wasn't open to that anymore and Changbin was left in a pit of utter failure. Most of the time his professor would cut him some slack but that was probably due to his prized student, Chan, talking with him about Changbin. That entitled bitch. Sure, he was still thankful for it, but Changbin figured that he wouldn't have anything handed to him anymore after he finally escaped the clutches of his parents. Though he loved Chan, so at the end of the day, he wasn't an entitled bitch at all. Just trying to help Changbin get through his second year of college.

"You drive a hard bargain, Mr. Bang."

Chan laughed, the edge of his laughter laced with a hint of seriousness. "Oh, this isn't a bargain. You're an idiot for assuming so, and you're coming with me whether you like it or not. Feel free to punch a freshman in the face before we leave though, that's all on you."

Changbin nodded. "Okay. Well I want to try my hand at this again," he awkwardly pointed at his laptop he closed just seconds before. "and I also want to eat. So how does nine sound? Oh, and you're lucky I don't have class tonight. Or I would've gone to class and punched a kid there."

It was already seven in the evening, giving Changbin two hours.

Chan nodded, finally sitting back down on the edge of his bed right next to his guitar. "Deal..." He paused for a second, slightly smirking, "does this mean you're really going to punch a freshman on the way out of the gym?" He questioned.

Changbin laughed. He really wasn't as violent as Chan made him out to be, but he sure was intimidating to others.

"No promises." 

Chan arched an eyebrow. "Of course not."

Before Changbin could answer back, Jisung came bursting through the door of their shared bedroom with Minho in tow. That wasn't shocking in the slightest.

Chan completely ignored Jisung and looked straight at Minho. "Minho. Good evening to you."

Minho shrugged. "Hey."

"What are you two doing?" Changbin asked, sighing. He wanted some peace and quiet to focus but he knew he wouldn't get that with Jisung and Minho around.

"Changbin, you're not supposed to question them on what they're doing. We don't want to know. We've made that mistake plenty of times. It's like, our unspoken rule now, right?" Chan stared at the couple despite his words being only directed at Changbin.

Oh, yes. He definitely knew not to ask more than anyone. Changbin was here more often than everyone, because unlike Chan, he didn't have someone to go off and rendezvous with. Once he had made the mistake of asking them what they were doing when it was simply three in the afternoon. The answer Changbin got caused him to throw up in his mouth about six times before he left the building completely, leaving the two to do whatever they pleased. They had absolutely no shame. None at all. None to ever be found. It was sickening and Changbin hated the fact that he was used to it. Every inch of the dorm was tainted.

"Hey, stop making us out to be something we're not. Sure, we enjoy each other's company, but it's not that bad, right? Because it could be much worse. Trust me." Jisung replied simply, putting his arm around Minho. He grinned, Minho slowly grinning with him.

Yeah, Changbin figured he didn't want to know anymore. Sure, it was a distraction from his stress, but it would probably end up making him nearly puke again. Not worth it.

"Okay." Was all Changbin and Chan said as they exited the room, the dorm, and the building itself. They would be back after eating somewhere completely different to change for the gym. By then the two should be asleep. Hopefully.

The trip outside was always something Changbin looked forward to, since he only ever really left for class, the studio, or the gym. It was a sad fact, but Changbin was fine with it. Sometimes he wished he had more friends or more activities, but he knew he would also get tired of always being busy if he had all of that going on for him. Even now he was more tired than he's ever been. Sleep was a rarity for him, and he's probably developed insomnia. He most likely had developed a lot of issues, but he was more focused on other things to truly acknowledge them.

Before stepping out of the dorm, Chan grabbed his keys and some money left in a little dish on the table near their front door. Changbin glanced around the room before following Chan, who was now out the door. He lightly sighed. It was bare compared to anything his parents home ever would be. There was a simple brown couch (tainted by Jisung and Minho), a small television, a small kitchen table which barely fit four people (also tainted by Jisung and Minho), and the kitchen area. Though it was home.

Once outside, the crisp winter wind hit his face, shocking Changbin. He had no idea how cold it really was, though he should've figured since it was December. He licked his lips, realizing they were chapped. He knew his chapstick was back on the desk, but he wasn't about to go back in for it. He's made that mistake before, shuddering at the thought. These were really the people he associated himself with.

Changbin must have zoned out slightly because Chan's words snapped him back to reality, his body slowly becoming more in tune with the weather.

"We can drop by the studio to see if it's open. If it is, we can work on something then get food after. If not, we'll just go get the food and hopefully by the time we're done with that, those two will have cleared out." Chan said, not moving his gaze from Changbin. "Then we can change and head for the gym. Sound like a plan?"

Yep, sounded good to Changbin.

Instead of voicing that, however, he just stared off away from Chan, zoning in on the nearest tree. "Do you... do you think they actually do that every time we leave?"

Chan laughed, causing Changbin's attention to snap back to him. "No, they're probably just cuddling or something. They're right, we do make it sound worse. I just don't want to be wrong though and go check. If you'd like to though, be my guest."

"No, I'm not checking." He said quickly after those words had left Chan's mouth. No hesitation needed.

Chan nodded, sticking his hands in his pockets. Changbin did the same as the two started their walk to where the studios on campus were located.

The studio was like Changbin's second home. He was there whenever he didn't have one of his usual late classes. He'd easily stay there until sunrise the next morning. Maybe it was the smell of the place or the solitude he could be in while sitting in the booth, cut off from everything else. It definitely calmed his nerves and he was able to create his best work when he was there. He's even argued before that he didn't need a therapist for as long as that studio stood there.

Upon arrival, they noticed the studio was occupied, and Changbin's heart dropped a little. On the walk over, he and Chan agreed that Chan would help him for his evaluation, but that would just have to take place another day. The clock was ticking on the amount of time he had to prepare, and the thought of it made him nauseous. Hell, the thought of anything currently in his life made him nauseous. Whether that be his finals, his failed relationships, his inability to sleep, his overwhelming introvert tendencies, or even the thought of what Jisung and Minho could be up to back at their dorms. He certainly didn't understand that last part, because Minho lived alone.

The two of them ended up grabbing something from the coffee shop on campus, and Changbin ate it alone while Chan ate his during an obnoxiously loud phone call with Woojin. Everyone had someone except for him.

Dinner was rushed, mostly due to Changbin wanting Chan to get off the phone so he didn't feel so lonely. Each second that passed with the two of them sitting there felt like another sting against Changbin's skin. The inferiority levels were all too high.

They returned back to the dorm to find Jisung and Minho asleep, just like they had originally wished. Changbin considered that to be the highlight of his week, at which caused Chan to lightly chuckle.

The rest of the night went down how they had planned, changing and going to the gym. None of it was especially eventful. Changbin and Chan did their usual workouts, refusing to diverge from their usual schedule.

It was a pretty okay day, though that was everyday to Changbin. Everything was always just pretty okay. Yet another sad fact.

"I think we did good today, much better than usual." Chan roughly hit Changbin square in the back as they walked out of the gym, a large smile plastered across his face. His accent bled into his words, Changbin sighing relatively loud at that. "Well, I mean, you seem a little off dude. You good?"

Changbin shrugged. "Fine, just my usual I guess."

It went silent before Changbin finally spoke again. "I'm sorry, just stressed."

"I know, Changbin. I can tell."

"You're too good at reading people."

"You just act like a hermit when you're stressed." Chan teased.

"Don't we all—" Changbin's words were cut off as his gaze wandered to the other side of the fence to his right. His pace slowed until his footsteps stopped entirely, Chan looking at him quizzically. There was a familiar face on the other side of the fence, holding the hand of a petite girl.

Changbin's heart dropped to his feet, a sob rising in his throat when he realized what he was looking at.

This couldn't be happening.

The boy turned his head to more or less look Changbin in the eyes, and that's when Changbin knew.

Felix.

The boy staring him in the face, separated by a chain-link fence, was Felix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u made it through the worst chap in this fic ily <3
> 
> i'm sorry for the cliffhanger i didn;t mean it


	3. you again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which changbin meets the boy he loved after five years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changbin has emotional issues recommend him a therapist pls he needs one
> 
> no but this chapter is kinda a mess for him i only torture him in writing so enjoy
> 
> as always ignore any errors :p

Before Changbin could register anything else, he had realized that he had thrown up.

Chan took him quickly by the elbow and led him away. His vision was foggy and everything sounded so incredibly muffled. His stomach continued to churn and the only other thing he was aware of, was how fast his heart as been beating at that very moment. He was impervious to every single one of his other senses. It was like his brain melted out of his ears. It was completely safe to say that Changbin was utterly shell-shocked.

He knew Chan was speaking, but he couldn't muster up any want to know what the elder was saying. Even if Changbin wanted to be focused, his own thoughts took up any other ability to function.

There was no way in hell the boy he saw was Felix. Though it had to have been Felix, after all. No other boy had facial features like that. Felix's profile was one that had always been etched in Changbin's mind. Hell, every single part of Felix was always hiding out in the darkest parts of his thoughts that never dared to show themselves. The way his skin felt, hot and smooth in the chill wind of the night. The way his hair was swept to the side, revealing more of his angelic face. His personality that left Changbin with a missing part of himself. Though the part he hated himself for remembering then most was how his lips felt. So soft, so invigorating. 

Maybe Changbin was crazy for being so pseudo-obsessed with a boy he knew for the total of maybe three hours at most. He tried so hard to forget it, but his mind always went back to how they both agreed on the fact that they never wanted to forget each other, while still joking that they were never really going to see each other again. He had plenty of other real meaningful relationships after Felix, so why? Why couldn't he let go?

Obviously they were both very wrong on the latter, and Changbin wondered if Felix ever thought about him too even after all of this time. Though why would he?

Changbin's racing thoughts were eventually interrupted by Chan's voice and the realization that they had made it back to the dorm. Changbin felt flushed and so Chan helped him up the stairs as well, about 70% of his weight leaning elsewhere. Thankfully Chan kept him nearly fully supported as they climbed each step. 

"Well I guess I don't need to hit the gym anytime soon after that." Chan joked once they reached the door of the dorm. He knew the door was locked, but Changbin was too incoherent to really stand very well on his own, so the keys were very much out of reach.

Chan managed to kick the door about four times, and a scream inside from Jisung followed shortly. "Who is it?"

"Chan!" Chan screamed back, and soon the door was open, Jisung's smile on the other side. Minho stood close behind him, peering over Jisung's shoulder.

Minho's expression shifted majorly once he saw Changbin leaning on Chan, obviously very disoriented. "What in the hell of the world happened to him?"

Jisung nodded at that, quickly moving out of the way so Chan could bring Changbin in. He roughly set the the boy down on the couch, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. "I don't know what happened. We walked out of the gym and suddenly he just stops and turns completely pale. Before I knew it, he threw up and I'm about 99% sure his brain fried in that very moment, because he's nearly incapacitated."

Changbin knew he would have to explain to them what happened, and laying down on the couch certainly did him a slight rush of strength he didn't know he had at the time. He almost hoped he was hallucinating, but he knew he wasn't. That was Felix. He was sure.

"Okay, so..." Jisung started, sitting down on the couch right next to Chanbin's head. He leaned over him worriedly. "What happened to you?"

"Felix. Saw him." Was all Changbin managed to croak out and Chan heaved an incredibly huge sigh at the younger's single word. 

A string of curses left Jisung's mouth, and Minho just continued to stand there absolutely confused. "Who's Felix?"

Of course, Minho's question was completely ignored, Chan sighing once again. It must've clicked in his brain what had happened regarding the fence. "Changbin, how do you know that was really Felix?"

He just knew, that was all there was to it. No mistaking that.

Minho repeated his question but he was once again ignored, Changbin blinking slowly. He couldn't focus very well, even the lights above him distracting him from the weird feeling in his chest. He still felt nauseous and thinking more about Felix would probably cause him to throw up again but he couldn't help it. Felix was supposed to be in Australia, but Changbin guessed he came to Korea for university. And he was holding hands with a girl. That was probably the thing that stung Changbin the most. Never did he expect to see Felix again, and he most certainly never expected to see that. It was absolutely surreal, and Changbin really wished he was dreaming. 

Hell. This was all officially hell. Changbin was in hell.

"Dude, you have to talk sometime." Jisung said simply, staring Changbin square in the face. "I mean you don't have to talk right now since you're in a state of major shock or whatever, but eventually. Especially if he's actually on campus. You're bound to see him again."

Changbin didn't want to think about that.

Chan sighed once more, this sigh louder than the last. Minho leaned over Jisung, whispering something. Changbin figured it was his same question from earlier, because Jisung told him he would fill him in later, not that there was much to really fill him in on. It was just a pitiful story from his childhood.

After a few moments of silence, Changbin was finally able to recollect himself enough to the point of him sitting up. He took a deep breath, still trying to stop his heart from beating so quickly. He wished so badly that what he saw wasn't real, and that he was hallucinating from the lack of care his health received. Though he knew he wasn't insane enough to the point of ever seeing Felix, let alone someone that wasn't there in general. It was true, Felix was on this campus and he looked to have had a girlfriend. The two had never disclosed their sexualities so it was probable that Felix had feelings for both sexes, but still. After everything, that side of it was what came to Changbin's mind the least, and in turn now shocked him the most.

"No," Changbin started breathily. "I'll talk now. I don't think I could stomach another night with all of his on my mind alone." He started visibly fidgeting with his hands and periodically brought the tip of his nail to his mouth. It was a nervous habit he's always had.

"You really don't have to if you aren't comfortable—" Chan began, but Changbin quickly cut him off.

Changbin gulped, his throat slightly closing around his words. "Felix was a boy I met when I was fifteen. It was at one of my parent's parties, and it was kind of a love at first sight kind of thing, you know? I got to know him and the way he was got to me. He was all about doing what he wanted in all the moments he had available, so I think I followed suit. In the end, we ended up on the roof together drinking the nastiest watered-down wine I have ever had the displeasure of tasting." He paused to take another shaky breath. "Then we ended up kissing. A lot, actually. Then he left and I never saw him again. He's always been in the back of my mind, though. We talked a lot about wanting to never forget each other, and I stuck with that more than I would like to admit."

Minho looked shocked at Changbin's explanation, his arms crossing over his chest. "The whole party thing sounds like some cheap fanfiction, but it's admirable." Jisung elbowed him in the chest rather sharply, causing Minho to stagger in his position standing near the couch. "T-though you're sure you saw him on campus?"

"I'm so positive I actually threw up." Changbin muttered in reply, sinking down into the couch. "It's dumb but I always told myself that whoever I saw again from those damned parties was my true soulmate. I always said that because everyone I've met had a funny pattern of us never meeting again. So for that to change, it would have to mean something, right? Then I saw Felix. So..."

He couldn't finish his sentence. Thinking about Felix now made him feel even more sick to his stomach. Especially when Felix was now his soulmate according to the dumb rule he made for himself years ago. Though he didn't necessarily have to follow it, if he didn't, he felt as if he would be letting his younger self down.

"So he's your soulmate?" Minho questioned.

The room became quieter than ever before, the silence only broken by a heavy sigh from Changbin. "I'm done talking about this. Sorry."

Chan shook his head. "Don't apologize, I know it must be tough to rationalize but I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning. Go get some sleep."

"I just feel like being alone." Changbin said slowly, his voice lowered to where the rest of the group could barely hear him.

"Cheer up," Chan gave him a thumbs up, his smile forced and crooked. "I can go stay at Woojin's tonight and I'm sure Jisung can go back with Minho for once."

It was obvious to at least Chan and Jisung why Changbin was taking this as hard as he was. Minho probably thought he was being dramatic, but the other two knew what sort of mental issues Changbin could have and a situation like this made it all totally worse. Changbin wasn't good with change, especially when it came to love. He might've seemed hard on the surface but in reality, he got attached easily and uncertainty in any degree absolutely tore him to shreds. So with all he was dealing with now and Felix, the first boy he'd ever loved, getting thrown into the mix... It wasn't good. Changbin knew he would have to come up with extreme measures to make sure he avoided Felix at all costs all while pushing back the want of seeing the boy and staring into his honey eyes or counting his freckles one last time.

Yep, it was still hell. Probably always would be. Unfortunately.

Changbin nodded at Chan's suggestion. "That would be good. You both can come back in the morning. I'm officially kicking you out for the night."

Jisung grinned at Minho, taking his hand quickly. "Sounds good to me. Haven't been to your place in a while."

Chan scoffed. "Yeah, and it would be nice if two could go there more often. You two have no idea how much Changbin and I live in fear of coming home to see you two doing something inappropriate. I think it's more of an irrational fear at this point, actually."

Laughs were exchanged and within the next few minutes, the other three were gone, leaving Changbin alone. Apart of him feared the silence would get to him but at the same time, it gave him the perfect opertunity to work on his composition presentation for his evaluation that next week.

So without any hesitation as to what to do next, Changbin relocated to their shared room, closing the door behind him although he was home alone. He sat down in the office chair he was in only a few hours ago, and that version of him from before wasn't aware of Felix being on campus. He missed that version of himself though it couldn't be helped. With trembling hands, he opened his laptop and patiently waited for it to boot up. Once it did that, he opened all of his appropriate software.

Then came the problem. He couldn't get beyond those simple steps no matter how hard he tried. He always ended up sitting there for about a good fifteen minutes in the frustration-filled silence.

It was a ruthless cycle.

Changbin even found himself dozing off until he heard a stark banging on the door of the dorm, causing him to jolt awake.

Who in the hell could be wanting to bother him now? It was nearly ten at night and Changbin really wasn't in the mood to deal with anything.

Reluctantly, Changbin got up and slowly made his way to the front door where the banging continued. He had no concern for his own safety and opened the door once he came upon it.

Standing on the other side, looking frantic, was Hyunjin, a boy from one of classes. He couldn't remember which at the moment, his brain was running slow.

"What the fuck do you want, dude? And how do you know I live here?" Changbin yelled, shaking off his grogginess rather quickly.

Hyunjin shook his head. "I was looking for you. Seungmin told me you ran into one of his friends earlier and we've been looking for you, for like, an hour." Seungmin was Hyunjin's best friend, that much Changbin knew. He saw the two together around campus a lot, usually with a first year he believed was named Jeongin. The three were inseparable, or it at least appeared that way to everyone around them.

Though Changbin was slightly waking up, how fast Hyunjin was speaking and tripping on his words messed Changbin up on the whole understanding part of casual communication. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Changbin wished so badly within the next few seconds that he didn't ask that question.

"Felix. Seungmin and Jeongin are really close with him and when he came running to us after ditching his girlfriend, we knew something was up. He kept telling me he needed to see someone named Changbin and I ultimately figured it was you since you're the only Changbin I know." Hyunjin replied, suddenly moving into the dorm, causing Changbin to slightly panic a little more than he already was.

Sure, Changbin was definitely panicking. It couldn't be true, it was all getting worse. Out of all people, of course Hyunjin had to know Felix. Of course he had to show up to where Changbin lived, without even telling Changbin how he figured out the older lived there. Of course it was about Felix. Hyunjin singlehandedly confirmed everything Changbin feared. Felix really was on campus. Felix really had a girlfriend. Felix was aware Changbin was here too, and he totally watched him puke his guts up earlier and almost pass out.

God was out to get him. That was the conclusion Changbin came to.

"I think I'm going to be sick..." Changbin's words trailed off as he leaned forwards, Hyunjin thankfully catching him.

"Uh, are you good?" Hyunjin asked frantically.

Changbin didn't answer. He couldn't.

"Well, um, Felix wants to see you. And he said he hoped you feel better after you threw up earlier." Hyunjin said smally, propping up Changbin a little more in his arms. "He really, really, really wants to see you actually. So if you try not to throw up again now, I can take you to him."

What happened to Changbin being tough? Everyone had always regarded him as such and left him alone. Even Hyunjin had cowered away from him before when it came to asking a question in a group project. Hyunjin ended up transferring groups after that, but it was more so because the other person in the group had a weird personal vendetta against him, and so that was over soon before it had even started.

Though everything was moving too fast for Changbin, his head was so foggy he didn't know what to do with it. He woke up this morning fine. Even better than fine. It felt like a nice day. Of course it all had to go to hell though, Changbin couldn't catch a break anymore.

"I- Uh, no Hyunjin, I don't think-" 

Hyunjin shushed him by moving him over to the couch, completely disregarding that the door was wide open. "Listen. Felix told me you may freak out but I didn't think it would be this bad. If you don't want to see him right now then I can tell him."

Changbin knew he had problems, and Hyunjin couldn't help but remind him of them. He knew he couldn't handle anything going on in his current life, stress was a gun pointed right at him and there was no chance to escape. Maybe he needed a therapist or something, he wasn't sure. "No, I want to see him, okay? You just gotta understand that I'm not in the best place and I have a really wonky past with Felix, so him kinda just being here makes me feel worse. I have final evaluations, my own mental health is questionable, and I just didn't expect this to happen ever in my entire life. I'm sorry if I'm being dramatic but please tell him that I do eventually want to talk. Just let me catch my breath first. Let me get through this next month."

A small sigh escaped from Hyunjin's lips, his perfectly sculpted face now starting to form a frown. "I'm sorry. We all just got really excited. Felix seemed so happy to know you were here that we kinda went ballistic. He's an amazing friend of ours and we wanted him to be even happier than he already is. I mean, he's struggling a lot still but-"

Changbin interrupted him before he could finish. "You don't have to say anything else. Thank you for trying for him. It does mean a lot to me."

"It means a lot to me too." A new voice entered the room, deep and smooth. Like honey. Like Felix.

It was Felix.

Changbin turned his head to look at the boy, his breath leaving him. He was as beautiful as he remembered, his freckles shining more through in the shitty light of his apartment than he could've ever imagined. "H-hey." The words barely escaped his mouth, his chest tightened.

"I'm sorry to drop in like this. I just couldn't wait to see you and I wanted to make sure you were okay after you, uh, threw up." Felix said softly. He hadn't left the doorway, his hands in his pockets. He wore a simple shirt and sweats, an outfit completely differing from that night years ago.

Hyunjin awkwardly stood up and slowly made his way out of the room, moving Felix in and closing the door behind him.

Silence.

Changbin's heart was going to beat out of his chest. There he was, right in front of him. Felix. The boy from years ago he fell in love with in a night. The subject of his songs, his pain, his dreams. The boy that ruined his life in more ways than should've been possible. And all he did was leave. He never personally did anything to him. Changbin was just so hung up on him that he ended up invading every other bruised spot in his life.

"You don't have to speak. I just wanted to see your face." Felix whispered before turning around to face the door. "Meet me under that tree in the center of the quad tomorrow at noon. I still need to think about what I need to say exactly, and I'm sure you feel the same."

More silence.

"I'll be seeing you, Changbin."

A small 'yeah' was all that could leave Changbin's lips as he walked out, quietly shutting the door behind him.

Crying ensued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have nothing to say but next chapter will be info dump and unfolding of the past oooooo


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